You know when you watch a movie, and it has excess violence and sex just for the sake of having excess violence and sex?Or maybe excess unthoughtful comedy to just be plainly horrible? Then after you watch all that you feel ripped off, or you feel empty because the extremities were shown but with no context, no reason? That films that try to be funny with no fiber holding it together are just retarded or no reason for killing or having sex other then to just show some titage on the big screen? And you say to yourself you shall never watch a movie like that again, because they are silly, stupid, and a complete waste of your time?
Then an imported movie with subtitles comes along like Y tu mamá también and you feel owned. In fact an imported, subtitled movie from Mexico with excessive sex, drugs and immature adolescent male behavior that just completely blows your fucking head off at how subtlety it moves you? That it all ahs some sort of meaning! So fucking subtle infact, that you are thinking about it 3 days later about how sad and moral the story is and you think, that if ONLY society was more accepting and if ONLY people didn't have to get hurt over stupid things you would NOT be staying up at 2:30am blogging about it. And that the machoism that permeates through society is so much fucking bullshit you just wish, that fictional characters, made up in the back of some writers head, if only for a second, could have seen or had a better life? What if you wish that the moral of the story that was revealed to you, was revealed to the main characters as Tenoch walked out of that fucking café, and that the lesson of which they taught us, they learned for themselves? That you must face life, that you must live it to the fullest and above all, to love everyone as deeply and as compassionately as you possibly can because that is the ONLY way to be truly happy, and the only truth any ever needs to know? It's a masterpiece I think, and those who want the obvious hollywood thriller/enetertainment movie should pass - but for those into honest representations of life - something many see films to escape - should not miss it. And then, you feel sad.
What if you consider it one of the few best movies ever, one that you can only watch and share with a couple of your close friends because the rest of them you feel are too arrogant, or narrow minded and don't like sub-titled movies from Mexico? So then, you feel alone.
And that's when you realize you have to study for math, that you fucked up again. That all you can do is silently cry to yourself in the middle of the night, knowing full well that you wont be able to break out of this place and do something you want, even if you don't know what it is. Because if I continue my undisciplined actions and continue to FUCKING SLACK OFF, well I aren't excatly going anywhere. So then, I feel like utter shit.
Now, you question yourself on how you believe you can live life the fucking fullest if you aren't able to get where you want to bloody fucking go? And that it fucking doesn't matter if I don't know where I want to go, it's just the fact of GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE! And that all these fucking bullshit excuses I make up about how much of a fucktard I am and it just doesn't goddamn matter, PEOPLE ARE LEAVING AND YOU ARE LEFT FAR BEHIND. So now, you feel pissed, alone and sad.
And the distractions are everywhere. I honestly do have some sort of ADD. Ritalin dosn't fucking work, it never motivated me to study, it just keeps me up and makes me do other things that distract me from my one and only priority I should have(besides Paola) school.
But it doesn't happen that way and you just constantly LIE to everyone about how well you are doing and that you are smart, and little by little you start to feel like utter shit for lying and that you don't have great marks, and you aren't going anywhere. You start asking yourself what is the point? And you realize that you're parents may love you but it is so very shameful to live with them until you are 30 and that it is shameful, truely shameful, to waste a fucking mind that could have gone to some other poor bastard who try so hard but can never get what teachers are saying but break every fucking bone to GET somewhere. So then, you question the point of it all?
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*sigh*
Good night.
1 comment:
Babe,
everybody can tell you what to do, like they already are doing... and whether you say "im 18, i can make my own decisions" to be honest a lot of the time you arent making the right ones... but whose to say whats right or wrong, and if they are wrong, then i really hope with all my heart that you learn something from them, because if you dont, then there's just no point in trying to correct yourself.
And so what, you wont leave here for a while, and yea you will see everyone else leaving this place... but maybe thats what you need to see, in order for you to motivate yourself to do the same. Everybody can guide you, but its you who has to accomplish the goal, there wont be anybody holding your hand when you have to survive to create something out of your own life, you'll have to do that on your own, everybody has to do that on their own.
Like always, i'll be here for you if you need anything, just keep trying, start reaching for what you really want, even if you dont know what it is that you want, reaching for ANYTHING is a start. I'll support you... as long as you try, and i mean try, not trying to convince me or others that you are trying when you, yourself feel you are not, and i see right through you, i see it in your eyes, when you tell me the truth or not, many times, i just dont say anything, so that i prevent arguments. Try, you wont know where it will get you unless you try. Nobody knows the future, and im sure nobodys asking you to set out a detailed future for yourself, think of now, and what you have to do right now... is try to get out.
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